by Alexis -

Wishing for something better

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I took a rainy walk with the girls today. Partly to loosen up my attitude and rediscover that jumping in puddles with kids is healing. The second reason was I needed to walk off a couple pieces of pumpkin pie I gave into last weekend. As we walked and twirled umbrellas (because that’s what girls do with umbrellas) I naturally looked at the houses we walked past. 

Some were cute and you could tell the owners were putting effort in the yard. Other owners were allowing spring to do it’s thing and make a muddy mess of flower beds. Now a little secret about myself is that I always, and I mean ALWAYS, ask myself  ‘what could I do to make it prettier?’ Don’t know where that compulsion came from and sometimes it’s down right annoying, but today I was unconsciously playing this game, when I suddenly felt sad. 

Say what? I was thrown off guard. Here I was supposed to be having a nice bonding time with my girls in the rain and I’m overcome with my own issues? Awesome. Thankfully Emma was in her own little world so I felt free to dive deeper into mine. 

As I recognized my sadness, I realized it was caused by a familiar reason. The American dream I had dreamt about growing up as a girl. Looking at houses always does this to me and you think I would’ve learnt by now. Oh well. No, growing up I didn’t dream about a white picked fence with 2.5 children. But I still got excited about having a house. Decorating my front door with carved pumpkins by my kiddos. Family. Waiting for them to get off their yellow school buses. Taking them to school and helping out in their classrooms and embarrassing them by being the loudest one rooting them on at their games/performances. Decorating the outside of our house with Christmas lights. Beautiful sparkly ones with our tree in the window making people drive a little slower to look at it all. Having a backyard with a garden. Oh a garden. Where I could plant things, kill things, make things grow and just get my hands dirty. And possibly a tree house.

Oh then there’s high school. Ah the memories I looked forward to making then. Putting the stickers in our front windows showing our pride for their school. The day we taught our kids how to drive with our car. Tears, fear and shock that they actually fit behind the steering wheel and being forced to come to grips that they’re not 5 anymore. Embarrassing them by taking homecoming  pictures in front of our fireplace and more pictures as they got their flowers by their shy date. And graduation. Everything graduation entails. Savoring it like the last drink to the sweetest best tasting wine. Gone forever. 

So there I was realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to experience all those things as I had hoped. Yes, I could still do some by morphing them a bit. And you better believe I will. *chuckle* But it’s just not what I had in mind. Moving to Poland will be the start of everything new. But that also means the end to everything else. Morning the loss of some dreams that aren’t as important as what He dreams for me. And I think that as the time moves closer to us saying goodbye to this beautiful place/friends, feeling sad is just part of the whole package. 

I mainly wrote this for many of you have asked how we are doing with the whole idea of us moving. It’s just a glimps into different things I’m having to process through. Day by day. 

by Alexis -

Let’s chat

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I’ve felt these past few days have been in a funk. But haven’t really realized it till today. Don’t you hate that?!

*Travis’ 30 birthday is tomorrow and it’s stressing me out. (the planning) I hate admin things. As in I’d rather scrub toilets than do planning/calling/etc.

*I’ve considered canceling my Etsy account because I’m comparing my items to others and mine seem elementary.

* We took back our cats and I’ve had the worst sleep since Emma was born.

*I’ve thought about blogging but had a bad attitude about it. I’ve in fact, began to compare this blog to another. One that is extremely different than mine. I’m sure you’ve heard the popular phrase, ‘Comparison steals joy’ 

That pretty much sums up my whole week, my joy got stolen. I gave it up actually. Have you ever felt that way? Mixed with ‘every day to do lists’ makes for an emotionally tiring week.

A week where I did a lot everyday but now have trouble remembering what I did. 

So why am I talking with you now? Well…

today I had a breakdown and hit a parked cop car.

Just kidding. 😉 Wouldn’t that be the worst?! hehehe

My moment actually came in my home, caused by a headache that threatened to end my life. (yes, I love the dramatics)

I normally get two kinds of headaches. Stress and coffee. Today they decided to team up on me. 

So as I put in Emma’s second movie of the day, and I snuggled in my quilt my mom made (which is the comfiest/warmest quilt ever) I was forced to analyze why I felt horrible. I wanted it to go away so I needed to learn why it was here. Coffee part- easy fix. Stress- not so much. 

Long story short, I realized I was putting too much expectations on myself trying to make Travis’ birthday ‘extra special’. Yes it’s his 30th, and it’s important to celebrate him getting really REALLY old. But I need to remember what he wants. He’s simple. Relational. He could care less if I make a banner with his name in blue polka dots. (which yes, I was actually going to do)

So as I sit here with a coffee in hand sitting next to Emma in the bath, I felt the desire to tell you that if you find yourself relating to this post- you might want to check yourself… before you get a headache or worse. Our bodies will tell us when we’ve gone too far, and it’s usually not fun.

Here is a refreshing reminder I found on Pinterest. Peace out.

http://piccsy.com/2012/02/picc-8bu7v6t4v/

by Alexis -

Life to the full

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A couple nights ago I was lying in bed trying to de-stress and relax to fall asleep, when I felt this sudden surge of being overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed with my family and recent diagnosis given.

Overwhelmed with fundraising.

Overwhelmed with basically all the sad things that I hear on the news.

Overwhelmed with not getting pregnant yet.

As I told some girls this morning, when those times come, I close my eyes and see myself plunge into a huge warm pool. A perfect temperature of course. All the noise is muffled and the overwhelming feelings are unfelt. And I am able to take some deep breathes with God. 

It’s a special place for me and Him. When He smiles I smile. If I want a hug, I run to him. We laugh and enjoy each others presence. Well, a couple nights ago when I was feeling overwhelmed, I asked Him to help me and He reminded me that He came to overcome the world. And did. It was so nice to hear that.

He showed me that my attention was on all the horrible things I could see/hear and how I was allowing it to drag me down. 

 To once again have my eyes redirected to the GOOD things happening around the world. It seems like all we hear or talk about are the bad/sad/depressing things. 

And that is one thing I want to remember. To tattoo on my forehead so I remember it when I look in the mirror. That He came to bring life and life to the full. Not partial life. My life is meant to be brimming with excitement. Yes, the sadness comes with each diagnosis and I do not want to put a blind eye to all the injustice happening in the world. But my prayer is that with each sad thing I hear or experience, that I would be given an extra dose of His love and understanding. Wisdom in how to act and move. And the insight into praying for healing…still processing it all so it’s kinda raw still and maybe hard to understand.  

Some deep thoughts for today. But I do hope it makes you think and, more importantly, talk to God about it. Peace out.

by Alexis -

Smiles in the rain

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Today’s post is really not that special. I just thought the colors were pretty and wanted to take a picture to remind myself to eat healthier. Like cucumbers and dill swimming in ranch. hahaha

Pretty food is healthy food…heard that somewhere.

And on that same note, I would like to remind myself that I like running in the rain. I was running in between stores getting things for my sickie hubby and daughter and it was pouring. But it was so refreshing! I loved it so much that I couldn’t hold back smiling. After random people started staring and smiling back I was also reminded the power of a smile. Unfortunately it’s not that common anymore.

A huge thing that really set the tone though, which happened before any of the smiling stuff, was me offering an old lady a drive home from the max station. She was bent over, wearing a fur coat, flimsy hat and no umbrella. She was walking uphill-slowly. Remember that it was pouring. I couldn’t ignore the screaming in my head about that woman and the act of kindness that I say I believe in but probably don’t show as much as I should. So I took a u turn, prayed I wouldn’t freak her out by offering her a ride to her house and smiled. She was so nice and told me she didn’t mind the rain! That she lived in northern Alaska for 20 yrs so this rain was nothing. 

It was amazing! What an attitude! I want to be like her when I’m older. That conversation changed my whole attitude for the day. And I wish I can go say thank you to her…but I know our exchange of smiles and my offer to drive her home touched her. Wish I had more experiences like this, but then again it’s really up to me. Risk, streeetch and risk some more. 🙂

Well, have a great day- I might take a run!

*The beautiful blue bowl is Polish pottery and was bought last month in Nowy Targ, Poland. Thank you Weronika and Chris!

by Alexis -

Just sit and do nothing

This was my epiphany. While I was in the kitchen trying to do too many things at once.

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See, ever since we came home from Poland (Sunday) I have been on some crazy cleaning/unpacking/organizing mode. And for about 2 days now I’ve felt that Emma was just not listening or making good choices. It seemed like whatever she choice she made it was either disrespectful, full of attitude or down right obstinate. 

Mix that with a my attitude: impatient and short tempered. I felt like a horrible mom. I know the truth and all that but it didn’t change the way I felt. Like I was failing.

I felt guilty about how rude I was to her this morning- because she was inconveniencing me! How could she want her diaper off so early?! Didn’t she see I was still in bed?! (it gets worse- it was 7am. Not early at all.) Yay, negative points for me.

So as I was emptying food into our bare and empty kitchen, she was around my feet wanting me to watch her do something (for the 20th time in 2 min). I snapped at her. Bit her cute little head off. Bad attitude and disrespectful. Boo. 

Then I sat down on the rug (the one in front of the sink ), sighed and asked her to come over to me. She said, ‘What are you going to do to me?‘ 

OUCH.

I truthfully forced a smile out (when all I wanted to do was raise my hands and surrender) and reached out, pulling her into a hug. I told her I wanted to snuggle with her and that I loved her. I apologized, said I didn’t like my attitude these past few days and that I just wanted to be with her. 

So we sat. While the milk and other cheeses screamed to me that they needed the fridge. But we sat. Snuggled criss-cross applesauce on our little rug.

Me, mentally unwinding whatever thing that got strung too tight and praying my past attitude didn’t scar her or something and have this come out in therapy in 20 yrs. Emma on the other hand, was showing me how she was eating her apple. Just having a conversation-which I don’t think we’ve done since we’ve come home.

Since then I’ve tried to involve her in more things I have to do. Let’s set the table together, let’s do the laundry together, clean rooms (yuck!) and sweep together. Focusing on saying Yes more. 

I think I got my reward from her tonight. And it could have escaped my notice if I was in a rush. What was it? She asked me to sit with her in the bathroom while she took a bath. (Emma likes her alone time so this meant something)

Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day. I will be biulding on what I learned today so I have nowhere to go but up…

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but I wouldn’t mind any prayers for us. 🙂

by Alexis -

Trouble receiving Gifts

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Some thoughts that’s been bouncing around in my head….

I never used to say that I had problems receiving presents. And at some level I don’t. It’s a love language of mine actually and I feel love when I both receive and give gifts to others.

But I’ve been developing a problem.

I feel guilty.

It really shocked me when I was laying in a spa and resort with other girlfriends having a spa day. My thoughts to  myself were, how can you be enjoying all this luxury when there are millions suffering around the world?! Children are suffering and here I am getting lemon water to drink and a lavender scented soaking tub  to ‘relax’ in.

I think this feeling has, at some form, crossed everyone’s mind. And it bothers some more than others. But here’s the rub about my situation:

The spa day was a free gift that someone chose to invite me to. It was actually their birthday gift and they wanted me to enjoy it with them.

I was failing miserably.

I then imediately felt like I wasn’t enjoying this huge gift of quality girl time. I felt torn. And at the core, should I then never receive gifs because it makes me feel guilty?

No, that extreme is not OK.

God likes, no LOVES, giving me gifts. I believe it’s a love language of His too. So, as His girl, it is my pleasure to receive what He gives me.

It is not my job to judge how little I should receive.

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I will never understand why some are born into extreme poverty. Or why some are born into dangerous life threatening scenarios.

My job is to allow my heart to align with God, receive what He thinks I should be given, give what I have to those in need and stop feeling bad for what I do have.

*Disclaimer: With the same breadth, I also believe in living life within reason. For example, do I need to fill my pantry to the top or go out to eat all the time? Or buy extra craft supplies because it’s on sale? Excess. It’s about looking into our daily life and making whatever changes we can. First for ourselves, but also for the next generations in our home who look at how we live our lives.

by Alexis -

Being yourself is hard!

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Found this quote through Facebook from a friend that posted it. It really made me stop and think. Where in my life am I being pressured…HA, where am I not?!

I thought of this silly little teeny blog you’re reading now. How SUPER CRAZY EASY it is to compare and change what I write about based on others blogs.

Some have special font.

Some have their blog done by a professional. And it looks like it.

I have dreams and visions of what I would love this blog to look like…and how many comments/followers. It’s not there. But would it ever be ‘there’?! I have to ask myself what is my motivation for any changes in this blog? Why change it to look like someone else’s?

I fight this one single fight everyday. Silly huh. So why do I do I keep blogging?

Because I like you. Family and friends. I want to say hi and bounce a bit of my crazy thinking/questions of you.

That’s it for now. Being yourself is hard!

 

by Alexis -

Being content

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Do you think this mean is content with his smile?

God has been talking to me a lot about being content with where I am/ what I have/who I am/etc. A friend gave me a verse a while back and just tonight I looked it up…Phil. 4:12. Above verse. I guess He is not done with the lesson of being content.

PS. Isn’t this the best smile?! I know many women who hide from cameras because she doesn’t like how her picture will turn out. What about this guy?! His energy and happiness is beaming from his HEARTFELT smile. Beautiful.

Do you think this man is content with his smile?!

PPS. I wonder if this is what ‘Beautiful’ (the man in the Bible) looked like. And his brilliant smile after he was healed.

by Alexis -

Colorful Ramblings

***Popcorn thoughts***

I would be so happy to not cook dinner for at least a week. At least.

I am super excited about our book club meeting Wednesday! GIRL TIME!!!

Made Emma’s Christmas list/sent it to family and already seeing how God is providing awesome presents for Emma.  (future post about presents soon)

Cooler weather in our forecast, my scarfs are hanging and ready to be worn. 

I’m reaching out to women I’ve admired from afar. Feels nervous and good all at once.

Missing these creatures:

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Made Travis a favorite meal tonight and feel like I got a present with how much it meant to him.

We’ve been watching Star Trek (Netflix) together as a couples/date time at home and think it’s fun. More Planetarium visits in our future.

I hear all my friends talk about their boxes/bags full of local produce and I’m sick of it. God, where’s MY bag?!! waaaa…

Really excited to be visiting my Oma and Opa soon. Should be a relaxing trip.

Making potato soup tomorrow. Nummy.

Needing a haircut. Anyone have a good person they would recommend?

Saying good bye to a close friend tomorrow. It’s never easy, no matter how often we’ve had to do it.

by Alexis -

What’s your personalized position?

I was at church tonight and heard a great comparison that came alive to me.

Our pastor coaches a little league soccer team and is in the middle of teaching them to stay in the position they are assigned to. If everyone were forwards then not only would key spots in the field be vulnerable but there would be extra men taking the ball/place of his teammate.

In my life there are many MANY times I wish I was in another position (someone else’ shoes). Comparison. Not being content. Someone’s job/abilities/life/blog always seem better than mine.

‘It’s always greener on the other side’ mentality.

It starts off not bad. Mostly I admire what ability or beauty I see before me. Then I make the un/contiouse choice to envy or be happy for the.Slowly I am learning how I am

1. leaving my own personalized position vulnerable because of my envy.

2. sometimes the extra person that shouldn’t be where I am. ie. What is my motivation behind being where I am/ want to be?

One great example is in our woman’s group. Just about every time we meet I feel a sense of ‘I don’t really fit in here’. Sometimes it’s me (insecurity) other times it’s the enemy.

I see and hear the ladies hearts/hurts/excitements/desires and have insight. But because I want to be in someone else’ shoes (position) I either say nothing or say it in an almost defeated mindset.

I’m getting better with each week and hearing messages like tonights really encouraged and motivated me to stay on the road I’m on. Things that really help me is first identifying my position and then what lures me away. One big motivation is Emma and as she grows up she will deal with some of these same battles. I want to be able to support her and show her it’s fun to stay in the position God’s called her to. And to do her best being there- and hopefully it’ll be by my example.

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What is your position that you need to maintain?