I’ve grown up my entire life hearing people tell me that ‘hope does not disappoint’. But there were plenty of times in my life where hope did feel like it disappoint me. Big time. Yes, I know that quote is from the Bible but does that mean I should blindly follow it yet also harbor some resentment at not seeing the things I hoped for happen?!
Well, fast forward to the last couple years. Ever since Emma we’ve been trying to have another baby. What we thought would be an easy accomplishment has turned out to be a grueling emotional journey…that is still not over.
I have a friend who was in the same place with me and I was shocked to see her hoping every month that they would be pregnant. The amazing thing I observed was that even though she had disappointment after disappointment she never stopped hoping. That seemed like such an emotional roller coaster to me. But as our friendship grew and I saw her process her sadness, I came to a revelation about myself.
I was so cynical and apathetic to the whole process of becoming pregnant. I was protecting my emotions SO much because I was afraid to feel sad…or hurt. But those are ‘big girl’ feelings and as God grows me up I felt challenged to make a choice:
1. Will I stay in my ‘whatever’ mindset and guard my emotions towards being pregnant. Also on the road to bitterness.
2. Will I chose to hope and risk feeling sad, hurt and even isolated? (EVERYONE around me is getting pregnant- yahoo)
I chose the later. Not because I like hard choices- mostly because I knew what was right. And at first it was such a concious choice to keep my walls down. I had to feel my sadness as the months rolled by, but then I also had to show my sadness to the people around me. That was a challenge. And one I’m still on.
But all this is to first give you a foundation to where I’m going here…and that is to say that even though we’re still not pregnant, I feel sadness, hurt and yes isolation every month…and lots of questions/fear are constantly fought I feel it has also been quite a fruitful journey.
I have learned that basically- hope really doesn’t disappoint. I always thought that phrase meant that we would receive whatever we were hoping for. Wrong. I have since learned that we will ALWAYS receive something for hoping.
It could be we decide to accept bitterness and anger….but for me it has been so enlightening. Basically- being super sad is OK. It will not kill me. I’ve had to learn what it’s like to process these feelings and more importantly how to then transition into hoping again. Not being stuck in sadness or depression. Being hurt is OK, it’s part of growing up. And I now know how to not be stuck and keep on moving towards where God wants me. Most of the time. 🙂
So even though I am monthly hoping for a baby, I know that I am receiving the gift of endurance, perseverance and patience.
(and between you and me I hope I learn them fully- these are tough exhausting lessons 😉 )
So I still choose ‘Hope‘. And am a little wiser and healthier for it too- thanks to God.
For you and me:
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.