Contributing

I had a hard week last week. Nothing happened. No horrible meeting or hurtful conversation. It was more a dialog and feelings inside myself that tarnished the week.

I mentioned in earlier posts that I go to a womens bible study group and really like it. I am really glad I am apart of it and look forward to it every week. Last Thursday was different. I came looking to see the same women I have grown to love, but ended up feeling emotionally disconnected from them. It was odd to me and I decided to clam up and listen. Which is just me pulling away. Very mature huh…I felt more validated because I was more and more annoyed by, what I felt was ‘shallow talk’.

The women weren’t meaning to go in circles and not go very deep, and I really want to show them in a right light. However, in the place I was then, I was just frustrated and felt like I couldn’t relate with any of them.

I ended up not contributing to the dialog in the group. Which I usually have something to say about anything. We all have opinions- I voice mine. Or try to at least.

I came this week trying to come without expectations or hesitations. And for the most part I did well in that. The group went well, I gave some vulnerable thoughts, others opened up, some challenged and contributed too. I left feeling like it was a productive and worth while morning.

The thing is this: God challenged me in my thinking. He asked me, was today a productive/possitive day because you contributed to the discussion? Do you always have to be heard and validated by others to make you feel good? (speaking to my insecurity)

It was a surprise and I thought about it. The truth is, I think, the people who needed to talk, talked last week at womens group. I cannot base the rest of my day on feelings/emotions. Yes they happend and should be talked through with God, but I allowed the awkward group time to alter the rest of my week, making me more shy and pulling the vulnerability back. Which I am so working on.

That’s all I guess. This post is more for me than you. It helps to write out as I process. So, I guess you get another glimps into my mind/emotions/walk with God.