We had small group tonight and our talk has ended me thinking about the future. Mainly Poland. To make a long story short, I realized a fear of mine and don’t want to fall prey to its tactics. The first time I went to Poland, I was naive and just wanted to help. I quickly felt overwhelmed and because of my own woundings in the past- I closed up and chose to be a spectator instead of a participant. I am happy to write that I have worked through many of those fears. Only opportunities will show me that I am past previous insecurities.
I however still have the feeling of not living up to people’s expectations. I feel that so many people think they know what Poland needs. And many times I’ve heard that I’m not it. This was crushing and I’ve had to work through those woundings too- but I can’t not go to Poland because I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me there. I like the people, the culture and (Thank you God) the food. Yet every time I go there I feel the same fears raise their voices to me yelling discouraging words. Mostly it is with people I’ve met and created a relationship with. I know I have not opened up and been as vulnerable as I would like them to be. How the heck can I expect them to take that first step? It’s not always the other person who needs to make the first move- I’m a big girl- and now I need to show it.
I am thinking back too, and feel like sometimes people observe me doing things and create a box for me to live in. I wish so much that I was able to be more comfortable there(Poland) and not so nervous. I want them to like me so much, and that in turn makes me feel fearful and so I don’t make the first move because I’m afraid I’ll look stupid. Yeah, I know everyone feels that way sometime- but it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it.
All I know is that this missionary thing is hard work and I so badly want to do it right. I want God to be proud of me and I really really don’t want to screw up with people there. I don’t want to hurt them- especially because of my pride.
God please help me walk in the confidence that I know you called me to Krakow. I want the Polish people to know I love them and want to be close with them. Please let doors to hearts be opened and for people to create strong lasting relationships with You.
I love you …