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I took a rainy walk with the girls today. Partly to loosen up my attitude and rediscover that jumping in puddles with kids is healing. The second reason was I needed to walk off a couple pieces of pumpkin pie I gave into last weekend. As we walked and twirled umbrellas (because that’s what girls do with umbrellas) I naturally looked at the houses we walked past.
Some were cute and you could tell the owners were putting effort in the yard. Other owners were allowing spring to do it’s thing and make a muddy mess of flower beds. Now a little secret about myself is that I always, and I mean ALWAYS, ask myself ‘what could I do to make it prettier?’ Don’t know where that compulsion came from and sometimes it’s down right annoying, but today I was unconsciously playing this game, when I suddenly felt sad.
Say what? I was thrown off guard. Here I was supposed to be having a nice bonding time with my girls in the rain and I’m overcome with my own issues? Awesome. Thankfully Emma was in her own little world so I felt free to dive deeper into mine.
As I recognized my sadness, I realized it was caused by a familiar reason. The American dream I had dreamt about growing up as a girl. Looking at houses always does this to me and you think I would’ve learnt by now. Oh well. No, growing up I didn’t dream about a white picked fence with 2.5 children. But I still got excited about having a house. Decorating my front door with carved pumpkins by my kiddos. Family. Waiting for them to get off their yellow school buses. Taking them to school and helping out in their classrooms and embarrassing them by being the loudest one rooting them on at their games/performances. Decorating the outside of our house with Christmas lights. Beautiful sparkly ones with our tree in the window making people drive a little slower to look at it all. Having a backyard with a garden. Oh a garden. Where I could plant things, kill things, make things grow and just get my hands dirty. And possibly a tree house.
Oh then there’s high school. Ah the memories I looked forward to making then. Putting the stickers in our front windows showing our pride for their school. The day we taught our kids how to drive with our car. Tears, fear and shock that they actually fit behind the steering wheel and being forced to come to grips that they’re not 5 anymore. Embarrassing them by taking homecoming pictures in front of our fireplace and more pictures as they got their flowers by their shy date. And graduation. Everything graduation entails. Savoring it like the last drink to the sweetest best tasting wine. Gone forever.
So there I was realizing that I wasn’t going to be able to experience all those things as I had hoped. Yes, I could still do some by morphing them a bit. And you better believe I will. *chuckle* But it’s just not what I had in mind. Moving to Poland will be the start of everything new. But that also means the end to everything else. Morning the loss of some dreams that aren’t as important as what He dreams for me. And I think that as the time moves closer to us saying goodbye to this beautiful place/friends, feeling sad is just part of the whole package.
I mainly wrote this for many of you have asked how we are doing with the whole idea of us moving. It’s just a glimps into different things I’m having to process through. Day by day.