I have a message I need to prepare for tomorrow. Nervous like normal, but I’m also feeling like I can’t wrap my head around it all till I process the feelings inside and unfortunately you, reader, have to read it here. But you have a choice and can stop reading and wait till I post about food or some other lighter subject…you’re choice.

First: Kerstin, I haven’t replied to you via Facebook becuse it seems so shallow to write a message on there. (to me in my craziness) For some reason Google/Skype seems more real and authentic. How weird and ‘ uh, ok’ is that?! But even with that said, I haven’t written back to you and I’m sorry. I would like to talk, but really feel the need to have a sounding board. Just someone to listen. You up to that?

Second: I am feeling lonely. Like there isn’t anyone here that understands how I am feeling. The only people I can imagine are missionaries already abroad. There are tons of things to do, and I’m tempted to write it all down but I think the post would turn into a ‘poor me’ post. I don’t want that. What I want, I guess, is just a open forum where I can express my feelings and process as I write.

Everywhere I look people are so focused on their lives, their business and whatever is in front of their faces pretty much. And no, I’m not bitter, more sad. I see others, including myself, who desire hard but real relationships and encouraging words for the path their on. Even when I’ve expressed this, people listen (thank you!) and days later I see no desire to help. It saddens me. I am a somewhat mature person (or so I like to think, hehe) and can take it all with a grain of sand. But I know others who would shrivel up and die inside.

I find myself a lot more emotional (yay!) and with all the things we are having to juggle I wish there were people out there who would encourage out of their deficiency.

And yes, I am walking the talk. This last weekend I was feeling discouraged and plain hungry for any encouragement. I instead gave out of what I had. It was wonderful, hard, but wonderful. It was awesome to see how the words given to me were embraced.

Please give. I know many people say they don’t know what to say. How about the obvious?     ‘You have a smile that’s contagious’, ‘When you walk into the room, I look forward to talking with you’ , ‘I know you’re discouraged, but hang in there. I love you’ Might feel fake or obvious but wouldn’t you like to hear these words?!

Just some feelings I am feeling. Here’s hoping I don’t break down and cry my eyes out tomorrow as I speak. I’m speaking on taking responsibility. How ironic huh. Definitely feeling awkward. Wasn’t arranged that way, got the word last weekend. Here’s hoping God wants to speak out of this cracked pot.

And now I have to push Publish before I chicken out and delete everything…