We had small group tonight and our talk has ended me thinking about the future. Mainly Poland. To make a long story short, I realized a fear of mine and don’t want to fall prey to its tactics. The first time I went to Poland, I was naive and just wanted to help. I quickly felt overwhelmed and because of my own woundings in the past- I closed up and chose to be a spectator instead of a participant. I am happy to write that I have worked through many of those fears. Only opportunities will show me that I am past previous insecurities.
I however still have the feeling of not living up to people’s expectations. I feel that so many people think they know what Poland needs. And many times I’ve heard that I’m not it. This was crushing and I’ve had to work through those woundings too- but I can’t not go to Poland because I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has called me there. I like the people, the culture and (Thank you God) the food. Yet every time I go there I feel the same fears raise their voices to me yelling discouraging words. Mostly it is with people I’ve met and created a relationship with. I know I have not opened up and been as vulnerable as I would like them to be. How the heck can I expect them to take that first step? It’s not always the other person who needs to make the first move- I’m a big girl- and now I need to show it.
I am thinking back too, and feel like sometimes people observe me doing things and create a box for me to live in. I wish so much that I was able to be more comfortable there(Poland) and not so nervous. I want them to like me so much, and that in turn makes me feel fearful and so I don’t make the first move because I’m afraid I’ll look stupid. Yeah, I know everyone feels that way sometime- but it’s hard when you’re in the thick of it.
All I know is that this missionary thing is hard work and I so badly want to do it right. I want God to be proud of me and I really really don’t want to screw up with people there. I don’t want to hurt them- especially because of my pride.
God please help me walk in the confidence that I know you called me to Krakow. I want the Polish people to know I love them and want to be close with them. Please let doors to hearts be opened and for people to create strong lasting relationships with You.
I love you …
I was excited to come across this and will definitely be trying it. I am looking forward to going to our local Goodwill and finding something with good lines and craftsmanship. Then it is off to be spray painted with primer then a color of my choosing. Then will come the fun part- I don’t know why I am so obsessed with polka dots. You don’t see many in our house- except for Emma’s room. I live vicariously through her. 🙂
Now, I have always been a little cautious with Martha Stewart- she seems like such an over achiever. However the more I look at blogs, the more links I see links to her site. *sigh, so I gave in and since I am planning Emma’s first birthday I am looking at ideas for the decorations and food. I just hope I can find my camera so I can take pictures of the event!
On a side note, I am fully embracing the cloudy weather outside. I made a cabbage and meat stew and am loving it. Also on the list of obsessions is Persuasion by Jane Austin. I can’t say enough good things about the story. One reason I think I like it so much is because the reader gets to see the main character, Anne, grow and become confident in her own opinions.
Holy Crap. I was looking at a couple links to other blogs and I think the size of the ‘Blogosphere‘ really hit me. There are so many people out there wanting to be read and followed- and lets be real, we all want the comments.
Each blog was pretty unique and nice, but it also left me wondering what I want in my blog. And after some time, I think I have a little bit of it.
*First, I want my blog to be read by friends and family. When Travis, Emma and I move to Europe we will be separated by a little pond known as the Atlantic Ocean. Not to mention an entire country (USA) and then more countries in Europe. So I want those who are close to us to know how I am and what random thoughts came to me today. Narcissistic? Kinda, yeah OK whatever.
*Secondly, I would like new readers to come across my blog and relate to me. I have a good number of friends and the majority of them think they are the only ones who feel certain feelings. Yeah, not true. I’ve realized that when I open up and show my vulnerable side, I immediately have others who agree and begin to open up about their struggles. Woohoo! I want real conversations with friends- not shallow ones with acquaintances.
*Thirdly, I love pretty things. This includes most things creative. The part I don’t like would be decorating with real animal skins- I love animals and am ‘the person’ who cries at Dumbo, King Kong or any other animal movie…yeah. But I am all for the fake animal prints- I’m currently in love with Zebra stripes with hot pink.
Anyways, I would like to share whatever I am into with you reader. Cooking, Learning to Create Something New, Family, Jewelry, Sewing projects, Writing, Books and just life. I would also like to get responses from you- this blog is a conversation in progress not a dictation of opinions. Thanks for reading 🙂
Please pray that I can find my camera! I lost it and think it’s in the house…yeah. I made some cool things today too and can’t post photos of them! Sad Day!
Oh and the frogs were not out last night- 🙁
(Don’t understand?-read my last post.)
Today is a good day. The sun is shinning, I planted flowers, baby girl is finally asleep and I have my (seriously) fat cat snuggled with me on the couch while I’m roaming the blog world.
It seems like everything is happening in April. EVERYTHING. Plans, parties, trips, meetings, holidays, signing practices and then of course there is the daily duties. Cleaning, dishes blah, blah and more blah. I think I’m ready for a vacation. If I could go anywhere…I would go to Yellowstone Park. Stay in one of their lodges and of course have a handy professional camera, hot tub AND fruit galore. With my Travis and Emma of course. If you could go anywhere and escape from the mundane and meetings, where would you go? Beach and Margarita’s or skiing and Hot Chocolate?
Writing the above reminded me of a couple days ago when I was out in the evening watering my plants and I heard a chorus of frogs. I stopped what I was doing and smiled. I put down the watering can (aka my coffee pour er) and took 30 sec. to listen to them. There is just something serene about nature. It allows you to take a moment out of your life and just breath. This is coming from a city girl too- love the museums, coffee chops, libraries, express ways and stores. But sometimes you gotta just chill and escape the lists and clocks.
I hope the frogs will be out tonight- I’ll listen for them when I go watering .
This weekend was wonderful. Travis, Emma and I got a chance to do nothing. In our home/life we have to schedule ‘nothing’. Our day to day is filled with people, work, church, meetings, worship practices and many other things that fill in the cracks. And as a whole Travis and I are pretty social. We LOVE having people over and hanging and talking with them. We’ve been entertaining a lot recently and this weekend was just the rejuvenating we needed. We watched tons of HGTV, I baked a lot (fun!) and Emma rolled from one side of the room to the other. (Yesterday she was really snugly- :)) We even went out after church with a friend to Rocky Bute in Portland and looked out at all the lights. (Pictures turned out horrible)
Great weekend-the sun was out, I was with family and I even got to take some cool pictures of my jewelry. (Shameless Promoting) In order of appearance: ‘Wrapped Wire’, ‘Champagne
On a more serious note, I was in bed not sleeping- which is super frustrating- and all I could think of were tons of questions and crazy feelings. As many of you know- Travis, Emma and I are moving to Krakow, Poland. Why? Check it out here. Anyways, have you ever asked God to ‘Just show me now God!’ but he chooses for you to wait and see? Yeah…be happy about that. God has told us we’re moving to Krakow and have had years to plan, worry, get excited and store many feelings inside. Sometimes it’s easier when you just don’t know. I am also the kind of person who thinks and analyses things- so I have detail questions which can’t be answered. It’s like…I see the destination God wants us to be, just not the how-to’s. It can be stressful- process after process. Different people thinking, with your best at heart, that ‘this’ way is the way you should go… and then even more questions arise..and so forth.
It’s kinda like God showing you that you’ll get married in two years and to ‘this’ person…it just hasn’t happened yet. Nerves, excitement, more nerves and questions swarm your head. When it actually happens will it be as glorious as you thought it would be?
Just some insights into my mind…this goes on about every hour or so…I create to escape.
The below picture is of me being ambitious. It was SO easy! The ingredients are just dried apricots, sugar and water! It filled the three jars and it’s so much fun! Try it!
The below is trail mix I made too- it took little time and it’s better than the store bought kind.
And these are cranberry muffins that look beautiful but I only put half the sugar in- yeah-bad thing. Honey however is a very good thing! 🙂 Happy Weekend!
This week has been really crappy. Tons of things that stress me out have happened and it’s only Wednesday. Fortunately one of the only good things is that we’re all healthy. We’ve had some problem with the US Postal Service not delivering out new debit cards and our old ones are now turned off. Frustrating. And to make it worse- I literally have no food in the fridge. It’s really empty and because of all the cleared space- I saw how filthy it was and cleaned the entire inside. I guess that’s one good thing about having no food-no messes. 🙂
And you know what, today is filled with many good things now that I think about it: The sun is shining (huge for me), we finally figured out how to buy groceries (Thank you God!) and I have Emma’s invitations done and I just have to go pick them up. So I guess there are many good things happening, I suppose I just feel a bit overwhelmed with a couple of huge things. Like what the crap am I making for dinner?! Well, Emma just woke up from her nap- time to read some books and so some ‘Twinkle, Twinkle’
I might have gone too far and taken too many pictures, as you can see she’ll always let me know 🙂 I am so happy I caught this expression! Priceless.
Awwww. We make messes to go into Bubble Baths! The green fishes and pink starfish are from the Dollar Store. Gotta love a great deal!